If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, you’ve heard the advice:
“Just grey rock them.”
Be unreactive. Be boring. Give nothing.
It’s the survival strategy many victims adopt because it works — these individuals starve without attention. But here’s the problem:
Survivors still need to tell their stories, document what happened, report harm, and above all, speak up.
Grey rocking protects your nervous system, but silence protects the bad actor and creates the potential for future victims. So what do advocates, journalists, mothers, whistleblowers, and justice-impacted people do when they need both?
You make grey rocking a policy, not a muzzle.
1. Grey Rock ≠ Never Speak. It Means Never Speak to Them.
Grey rock is about not feeding the bad actor, not about erasing your voice or setting aside your Your boundaries should be:
“I will not engage with YOU.”
Not:
“I refuse to talk about what YOU did.”
There is a difference. A massive one. Survivors are allowed to:
- tell their story
- warn others
- publish truth
- speak out
- hold systems accountable
- document harm
- call for reforms
- protect their children
Grey rock is a tool; not a gag order.
2. Document Emotionlessly, Advocate Passionately
When you’re dealing with a manipulator, two voices emerge:
- Your documentation voice. This voice needs to be calm, factual, detailed. Receipts only.
- Your advocacy voice. Message-driven. Bold. Systemic. Protective.
It’s absolutely ok to have both, you just need to know when to apply each one. You shouldn’t blend them, but switch between them intentionally. Write more about the lessons and leave out the person entirely. They want attention. Don’t give it to them.
Documentation is for the court. Advocacy is for the world.
3. Separate Emotional Release From Public Messaging
Survivors need safe places to speak their truth. To be able to speak all of the horrific realities of surviving such a traumatic experience:
- “This is terrifying.”
- “I am exhausted.”
- “I don’t deserve this.”
- “My kids are afraid.”
But that emotional processing should never, ever happen:
- in comments
- in DM battles
- in arguments
- in replies
- in reaction posts
- or anywhere bad actors can use it as fuel because they will. It’s who they are and there’s no changing that.
Instead:
- write privately
- journal
- send voice notes to trusted friends
- talk to advocates
- use a therapist
- or record audio and never post it
Then craft your public messaging after you process, not during the trauma spike. That’s strategic survival.
4. Grey Rock the Person — Not the Cause
You can ignore the bad actor while still blowing the whistle on the system that enables them. You can also refuse to respond to the bad actor(s) while exposing the breach, loophole, corruption, or negligence they exploited.
You can shut the door on the bad actor while building platforms that protect survivors.
Grey rocking NEVER means shrinking.
It means choosing who gets your energy.
5. Never Argue — Only Archive
Narcissists thrive on arguments. Grey rocking removes their food source. Your mantra should become “archive, don’t argue.” That means doing the following:
- Screenshot it.
- Save URLs.
- Preserve timestamps.
- Keep copies.
- Forward to your attorney.
- Include in your PPO filing.
- Add to your documentation logs.
Your reactions go to the evidence folder; not to the bad actor. And when you advocate publicly, you’re speaking from power, not panic.
6. Build Your Voice Around Systems, Not Individuals
When you shift to systemic language, you:
- protect yourself legally
- keep your advocacy sharp
- avoid the abuser’s bait
- turn your story into a community resource
- move from personal pain to policy change
Instead of:
“John Doe did XYZ.”
Try:
“Michigan courts allow ABC to do XYZ due to this loophole.”
That’s not grey rock that’s strategic activism.
7. Safety First, Advocacy Always
Survivors don’t owe their silence, politeness, or neutrality. But survivors DO deserve emotional safety. And the truth is, when you grey rock strategically, you stay safe enough to keep fighting.
Because bad actors want:
- chaos
- reaction
- fear
- attention
And systems want:
- silence
- compliance
- “calmness”
- “proper channels”
Grey rocking gives neither what they want. It gives YOU what you need: space to breathe, think, plan, and protect your family.
