They’re slow. They’re armored. And apparently, they’re on the move.
A new U.S. Geological Survey–backed study confirms that nine-banded armadillos have officially set up breeding populations in southeastern Indiana, and they’re steadily inching north. Scientists say climate change is warming their path, making it likely that Michigan could see its first permanent armadillo residents in the near future.
As a kid, we would visit family down south and I would seek out the armadillos; eager to play and watch them roll up into their little shells. I thought, and still think, they’re adorable. Like little walking armored tanks.
So here’s the thing: I have one message for our incoming shelled neighbors…
Run.
If the Courts Treat People This Way, Imagine the Armadillos
Michigan’s justice system doesn’t exactly have a stellar track record when it comes to protecting human due process rights. Court rules get bent for the well-connected, hearings vanish off public records, and media access is granted based on favoritism rather than fairness.
The poor especially, are punished.
So if an armadillo rolls into Allegan, Barry, Berrien, Ionia, or Van Buren County hoping for a fair shake? Say, a quiet property rights dispute over a burrow? My rolly little buddies are going to be in for a rude awakening.
The court might not even log the case properly in the Record of Action (and yes, that’s supposed to be mandatory under MCR 8.119).
Climate Migration Meets Legal Dysfunction
Obviously, Armadillos aren’t political actors.
They’re not filing FOIAs or tagging the Michigan Supreme Court on LinkedIn. They’re just doing what wildlife does; adapting to survive. But in a state where even journalists following the rules get sidelined in court, the idea of procedural fairness for a wandering armadillo is laughable.
The truth is, armadillos’ slow march north is a perfect metaphor for the state of justice in Michigan:
- Steady progress met with arbitrary barriers
- A protective shell that doesn’t stop unfair attacks
- Always one step away from being run over by someone in power
A Lesson From the Shell
I joke about armadillos needing lawyers, but maybe we should take this seriously: if our system isn’t protecting the least powerful among us, it’s only a matter of time before none of us are safe.
Due process isn’t something you can hand out selectively; it’s a core principle that keeps society from spiraling into chaos. The Rule of Law also matters but is routinely ignored.
So to the armadillos of Indiana: Michigan is beautiful, but the justice system? That’s another story.
Cross the border if you must… just know the rules here don’t always apply equally. And if you need a media request to be in court, make sure you’ve got it in writing, preferably stamped “Approved” before you step paw into the building.
Because around here, even armadillos have to fight for due process.
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