Like many people, I was absolutely shocked to see a now former University of Michigan Football Coach arrested yesterday and criminally charged with stalking and home invasion. The victim claims her aggressor had been sending unwanted calls and texts, before it culminated in him barging into her apartment.
Shortly after losing his job, Moore stormed into the woman’s apartment, “then proceeded to a kitchen drawer, grabbed several butter knives and a pair of kitchen scissors. And began to threaten his own life,” Rezmierski said.
The prosecutor quoted Moore as telling the woman: “I’m going to kill myself. I’m going to make you watch. My blood is on your hands. You’ve ruined my life.”
When someone crosses boundaries and refuses to respect them, the emotional and practical consequences can be terrifying. Stories like this remind us that stalking isn’t about infatuation; it’s about power, persistence, and harm, and they underscore why advocating for yourself as a victim is both vital and often misunderstood by the systems meant to protect us.
But all too often, Victims are often given the same advice, wrapped in different words:
Don’t escalate.
Don’t poke the bear.
Let the system handle it.
Be patient.
But here’s the truth the system rarely acknowledges: silence does not protect victims. Documentation does.
Self-advocacy is not about being loud or combative. It’s about learning how to set boundaries and assert your reality clearly, calmly, consistently in systems that often default to disbelief, minimization, or delay.
Advocating for yourself as a victim is not selfish. It is survival.
What Self-Advocacy Actually Means (And What It Doesn’t)
Let’s clear this up first and make some important distinctions.
Self-advocacy is:
- Naming harm accurately
- Creating records when others won’t
- Setting boundaries and enforcing them
- Asking for protections you are legally entitled to
- Refusing to accept procedural indifference as an answer
Self-advocacy is not:
- Harassment
- Retaliation
- Re-litigating trauma endlessly
- Performing pain for credibility
You do not need to prove suffering by suffering more.
Step One: Anchor Yourself in Facts, Not Feelings
Your feelings are valid but systems really only respond to facts. That doesn’t mean suppressing emotion. It means translating experience into documentation.
Start here:
- Dates
- Times
- Direct quotes
- Screenshots
- Case numbers
- Witnesses
- Patterns (not just incidents)
When you advocate for yourself, you’re not telling a story; you’re building a record. Trauma disrupts memory, so writing things down protects you from gaslighting; internal and external.
Step Two: Use the Language the System Understands
One of the hardest lessons victims learn is this:
The truth doesn’t matter if it isn’t framed in a way the system recognizes.
That means learning to say:
- “Unwanted contact” instead of “he won’t stop”
- “Retaliatory behavior” instead of “they’re being cruel”
- “Failure to enforce” instead of “no one helped me”
- “Escalation after notice” instead of “it got worse”
This isn’t about being cold. It’s about being strategic, wording things in a way the system will understand.
Step Three: Set Boundaries in Writing and Keep Them Boring
Clear boundaries are powerful evidence. Not emotional, reactive, or even explanatory. Just clear.
“I am requesting no further contact. Any future contact will be documented.”
Then stop engaging. Boundaries aren’t about controlling someone else’s behavior. They’re about creating a line the system can see when it’s crossed.
Step Four: Preserve Your Energy Like Evidence
Not every provocation deserves a response. Ask yourself:
- Does responding create a record or feed the chaos?
- Am I protecting my future self, or my present feelings?
- Will silence strengthen my position?
Sometimes advocacy looks like filing, documenting, or, doing nothing on purpose. Restraint is not weakness.
Step Five: Advocate Without Apologizing for Existing
Victims are all too often trained to soften everything:
- “I don’t want to cause trouble…”
- “I might be overreacting…”
- “I know you’re busy…”
Stop.
You are not an inconvenience.
You are not dramatic.
You are not asking for special treatment.
You are asking for basic safety, dignity, and enforcement.
That is not a favor. That is a right.
When the System Fails,You Are Still Allowed to Speak
Self-advocacy doesn’t guarantee justice. It guarantees self-respect and preservation. And sometimes, that’s the first crack in a system that depends on your silence.
It is especially important to remember this:
Victims who advocate for themselves are not “difficult.”
They are doing the work institutions refuse to do.
You are allowed to tell the truth.
You are allowed to protect yourself.
You are allowed to be believed, starting with you.
