As I’ve mentioned before, losing a loved one to the criminal justice system is akin to a death. It presents as grief in the most unfiltered, unbecoming of ways.
The experience of having an incarcerated parent can be one of the most difficult and emotionally complex situations for a child to navigate. These children often face challenges like stigma, confusion, and sadness. They may feel abandoned or unsupported in a time when they need love and stability most. As a community, family, and society, we have a collective responsibility to provide support and understanding for children whose parents are incarcerated.
In this blog post, I’ll explore how to support children of incarcerated parents in meaningful ways, and why it’s so crucial to take a compassionate, holistic approach to their care.
Understanding the Impact on Children
Before diving into ways people can help, it’s important to recognize the unique emotional and psychological challenges children of incarcerated parents face:
- Stigma and Isolation: Research all too readily demonstrates that children of incarcerated parents often feel shame or embarrassment about their parent’s incarceration. Their status may lead to social isolation or bullying at school.
- Emotional Distress: Feelings of abandonment, grief, and confusion are common as children cope with the absence of their parent. This may lead to anxiety, depression, and other emotional struggles.
- Behavioral Changes: Children may feel depressed, act out, or withdraw emotionally, not always understanding how to express their feelings or deal with the changes in their lives.
- Financial Strain: A parent’s incarceration often leads to financial hardship, and children may face difficulties due to a lack of resources.
Recognizing these impacts and respecting how children feel is the first step in knowing how to approach providing care and support for those impacted.
1. Build a Stable and Supportive Environment
Children need and crave stability, especially when their world feels uncertain, which it often does whether a sentence is more certain or a parent has a pending appeal. While I’ve talked about it at length here, You can help by:
- Creating a consistent routine: Having a predictable routine provides a sense of normalcy. Regular mealtimes, bedtimes, and activities can help children feel secure. Just sitting down for dinner together, or creating new family routines can help.
- Fostering safe spaces: Offer a safe, calm, and accepting space for children to express their feelings without judgment. Whether it’s through art, writing, or just talking, emotional outlets are crucial for coping.
I’ve also gone more in depth on helping kids battle depression here.
2. Encourage Healthy Communication
It’s important to open lines of communication to help children process their feelings.
- Talk about the situation in an age-appropriate way: Children need to know that their feelings are valid and that they can talk about what’s going on without fear of judgment or punishment. Encourage them to express their emotions.
- Validate their feelings: Let children know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. Sesame Street Workshop has some phenomenal resources for kids to work through their feelings here. Acknowledge the difficulty of the situation and remind them that their parent’s sentence is not at all a reflection on their worth.
- Foster open dialogue with incarcerated parents: If appropriate and safe, encourage and facilitate communication with the incarcerated parent. Letters, phone calls, and even video visits help maintain a connection and provide emotional comfort. Find ways to learn together, or read. My own children love reading books with their Dad and discussing them after reading chapters; it’s like their own unique book club. It’s also really good for the incarcerated individual, and gives them hope for the future, keeping them out of trouble and focused on getting home. But overall, connection reinforces that their parent still loves and cares for them.
3. Offer Emotional and Psychological Support
Children dealing with the incarceration of a parent often experience a range of emotions that are simply put, overwhelming.
Offering professional mental health support, such as counseling or therapy, can be immensely helpful. A trained therapist can help children:
- Process trauma: A counselor can provide a plan and coping strategies for the tough emotions that come with parental incarceration.
- Understand their feelings: Therapy can help children better understand and articulate their feelings, especially if they have trouble expressing their thoughts or feel misunderstood.
- Develop resilience: Professional support teaches children resilience and emotional regulation strategies to cope with the extreme stress and adversity.
4. Provide Practical Support
Children of incarcerated parents may experience financial and logistical difficulties that add to their emotional burden. Incarceration often creates makeshift single parent households, making things like maintaining a full-time job and
Here’s how to offer practical help:
- Assist with everyday needs: Offering to help with school supplies, meals, and transportation can relieve some of the burden these children may face. Financial support can also ease strain on the child’s caregivers. Some of the nicest things someone has ever done for me were taking meal planning off my hands for a week, or even taking the kids for a day or two so I can hit reset.
- Support school engagement: Advocate for the child in their school environment. Teachers and school staff should be aware of the child’s situation and provide appropriate support. Academic success and school participation can be a source of empowerment for the child. More and more school districts are recognizing the importance of including incarcerated parents in conferences, and finding ways to keep parents in the loop.
- Be present and involved: Children need dependable adults who show up for them. This could be through regular check-ins, being at their extracurricular activities, or just spending time with them when they need someone.
5. Provide Opportunities for Connection
Creating opportunities for children to connect with others can reduce feelings of isolation and help them build supportive relationships. Encourage children to:
- Engage in extracurricular activities: Sports, arts, robotics clubs, e-sports, Pokemon clubs, or after-school programs provide opportunities for children to bond with peers and find joy outside of the challenges at home.
- Join support groups: Many larger communities offer support groups for children of incarcerated parents, where they can meet others facing similar situations. Sharing experiences can help children realize they’re not alone in their struggles.
- Maintain friendships: Encourage children to stay connected with their friends and develop strong social networks, which can be protective against the negative impacts of parental incarceration. Sometimes friendships fall away; that’s ok, but do encourage your children to make new friends and stay connected to positive friendships.
- Leverage Free Resources: Prison Fellowship offers programs outside of Angel Tree, such as summer camps. This enables incarceration-impacted families to find other supportive individuals who “get it” or want to “get it.”
6. Promote Positive Narratives and Hope
Encouraging a sense of hope and possibility is one of the most powerful things you can do for a child. Help them focus on positive aspects of their life, such as:
- Fostering their strengths: Highlight the child’s unique talents, interests, and strengths. Empower them by focusing on what they excel at and helping them pursue their passions. My children have tapped into brand new talents and used them as a healthy outlet to process and heal.
- Creating positive role models: Encourage relationships with positive adult figures who can offer guidance and mentorship. This could be family members, teachers, coaches, or community leaders who can serve as examples of success and resilience.
7. Advocate for Policy Changes
While supporting kids and families is a great start, systemic changes are needed to create an overall supportive environment for children of incarcerated parents. Opportunities for advocacy and policy changes can present in many different ways:
- Pushing for access to family visitation programs: Advocating for policies that allow incarcerated parents to maintain regular, meaningful contact with their children is crucial. Studies show that regular contact between children and their incarcerated parents can reduce the emotional impact of separation.
- Supporting community programs: Look for community organizations that support children of incarcerated parents. Consider volunteering or supporting these programs to expand access to resources for these children.
Empathy is Key
Supporting children of incarcerated parents requires patience, understanding, and empathy. These children experience one of the most difficult life situations they may ever face. However, with the right guidance, care, and support, kids can build resilience and overcome the challenges they encounter. By providing stability, encouraging healthy communication, offering emotional support, and fostering hope, we can make a profound difference in their lives.
Being a source of comfort and advocacy for impacted children allows them to thrive even in the face of adversity.
